We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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