Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize