Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize