Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
