What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Randomize
