im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
