He disabled his match.com account in front of me
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
dude. I can hear the air.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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