I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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