she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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