final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
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