There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
