4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
