so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
