I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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