Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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