Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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