this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Randomize
