We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
