I cannot find my penis.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
