dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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