Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Less talking, more tequila
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
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