I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
