is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I bet he comes in French.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
