So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
It's shark week go big or go home
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
