My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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