Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
