Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
