My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
