Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
