my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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