Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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