i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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