The maid of honor just puked.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
