Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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