you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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