he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
