we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
