The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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