i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
