I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
