I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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