A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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