just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
