Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
