High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
