My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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