i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
