true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
