There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
