Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize