life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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