I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
