you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
